Classic Football Jokes
Classic Football Jokes
Striker: “I had an open goal but still I didn’t score. I could kick myself.”
Manager: “I wouldn’t bother. You’d probably miss.”
Q: How can you tell ET is a Rangers fan?
A: Because he looks like one.
The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Third Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around. them and passing between them before shooting for goal.
After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6-0.
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q: How many Chelsea fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they’ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
Q: What do Arsenal fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
David Beckham is celebrating; “43 days, 43 days!” he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he’s celebrating.
He answers “Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days.”
“And that’s good?” asks Posh.
“You bet Hon” says David.”It says 3 to 6 years on the box.”
Q: What do you get if you see a Portsmouth fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.
David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
“No, David don’t do it.” Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers….”I’m sorry and I know we can work this out.”
“Shut up and sit back Victoria.” Beckham replies. “You’re next.”
Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Villa Park?
A: They score.
A Sunderland supporter goes to his doctor to find out what’s wrong with him
“Your problem is you’re fat, “says the doctor.
“I’d like a second opinion” responds the man.
“OK, you’re ugly too” replies the doctor.
Spurs coach Juande Ramos was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.
He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied, “no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”
Q: What’s the ideal weight for a Manchester City supporter?
A: 3 pounds…that’s including the Urn.
A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honoured judge said to him “So why don’t you want to live with your dad?”
“Because he beats me” said the little boy.
“Why don’t you want to live with your mum then?” asked the judge.
Because she beats me as well.
“Oh” said the judge “Well who would you like to live with then?”
The little boy replied” I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don’t beat anyone!!”
Q: Why do Newcastle fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A: So they know which end to wipe.
Q: What does Gary Megson say when Bolton score?
A: Fantastic. Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.
It is said that in Ireland; if it looks like rain before a match, they play the extra time first.
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